Silence & Self-Reliance

An escape from the noise. A search within.

I recently spent a short weekend away in a cabin in the woods. Alone. What did I discover?

My cabin awaits.

When I heard about this place tucked away in the woods, I knew I needed a retreat here. As a belated birthday gift to myself and in dire need for solitude and respite, I arrived—ready, willing, and a tad anxious. No stranger to camping or roughing it, I’d never done it alone. Alone. Just me. In the winter in New England. Wood stove? Outhouse? Dark trips to the outhouse? Alone? (the gal who is terrified of bears?)

All…conquered!

The noise and uncertainty of the past year had me craving an escape…and time for reflection. Masked as a weekend away to edit my manuscript, read, and research, the true purpose of my stay revealed itself: to stop, breathe, and listen. Nature has always been my Muse and my fuel. It did not disappoint.

My weekend highlights:

Sunset on the first night.

I experienced mud (day 1), snow (day 1/day 2), rain (day 2), and ice (day 3). Winter did not let me down. Starting that wood stove from scratch working against a setting sun in a cold cabin? Sure, we made fires in our fireplace at home but I, alone, never did it. Some stumbling but I figured it out. Whew. Not much panic. Survival mode stepped in. And I made a game of “will this larger log fit”? Woo who! Splitting wood with a small, questionably rusty hatchet, and looking for kindling in the wood shed? Did it. Got too excited when I found some small shards or bark or newspaper (whew!). Braved the outhouse in the dark? Did it. Walked on a snowy trail alone (never have done before, and I usually don’t recommend it—safety in numbers)? Did it.

Moonlight bathed my cabin and my pillowcase. I believe it was a full “snow moon.” Gorgeous!

Owls hooted. Chipmunks and rabbits scurried past (thank goodness no bears, snakes, or coyotes! Hey, I am not that brave yet). The crackle and heat of a roaring wood stove fire warmed my cheeks and spirit. Home-cooked meals (brought along, reheated) were delish. I took a walk in the woods. The distant sounds of the wind, birds chirping, and a train whistle serenaded me. Oh, yeah, I also dug into editing my latest manuscript, wrote a new book’s scene, and lost myself in a novel I brought to read. I allowed the quiet and aloneness to both calm me and bewilder me.

Would I do this again?

Heck yeah.

Staring at Page 186…

Here I am, staring at page 186 in my latest manuscript…for the past month. I was moving along at a fast pace, churning out 2000-5000 words a day on this first draft of my latest novel. I had goals! Let’s see: To be done with draft v001 by the end of October. Send it off to my first betas. Get feedback. Revise in November (even though my manuscripts have always taken me months and months to revise and polish…but I had a new method of crafting charts/characters/plots to streamline the revision process). Submit to my editor by December/January.

I had a plan. Then life hit.

Many artists and creatives struggle with daily mental illness such as depression or anxiety. I’m nearly forty years old and have suffered with both most of my life. I’m still conquering my demons, healing new and old wounds, and working on my inner self-talk. Recently life got “lifey” and my plan—yeah, it crashed and burned. I went from high output to a dead stop. Granted, perhaps I saw this coming as I’ve been going through several life/career transitions and I’ve been grooving in survival mode for a few years. I usually keep myself very busy…so busy that the depression and anxiety can remain hidden, its claws safely shackled behind closed doors. However, that only works for a while. Then it (“life”) all came at once—I jumped into the deep end without the required gulp of air needed when you drop down 12 feet to the bottom of the pool.

Digging into the heart of the issue is tough and can seem impossible. Recently a friend shared the Hilarious World of Depression podcasts with me (and she had no idea what I was currently going through). At first I saw it and thought, “How can depression be funny?” Obviously the podcasts are not angled that way. In fact, I listened to a few and found myself nodding in agreement.

So why am I writing this post? First, to boost my monthly word count. Joking aside, well, I wrote it to show that like many others out there, you are not alone in your struggles. Mental illness is not a light matter.

Please know that there are resources out there for you. Text 741741 or call the Suicide Prevention number 1-800-273-8255 to speak to someone if you are on the ledge. Call a friend, family member, or spiritual mentor.

Seek out friends, professionals, and medicine if needed. Telling a person who’s depressed to just suck it up, get out of the house, exercise, just hop on the horse again, or keep busy…great advice, but we all know that it’s not that simple.

It sounds counter-intuitive but one way for me to help myself is to reach out to others who are in the same boat and help them. (Hence this post). For example, I’ve learned through my own journeys, such as parenting a special needs child, that when I need help, the best thing is to first get help where needed (friends, professionals, etc.) and not keep the pain bottled up, and second, to reach out to others who may also be in need. Just a year ago, I was seeking friends who were walking the same parenting journey, so I created a local Facebook group for just that…and we have over 350 people in the group, from parents to educators, all sharing and supporting.

So recently, as I deal with anxiety, turbulent waters, and transitions, I’ve reached out to friends who I know I can count on…and I’m reaching out to you in the hopes that my words will provide comfort and support if you are struggling as well. You are not alone. You are worthy. You are important. You can get through this.

After a few weeks at the dark bottom of the deep end, I can see the light at the surface. It may be a long swim up, but I soon hope to be no longer staring at page 186…

Bring on page 187 and beyond and hopefully I will burst through the surface of that water and take another gulp of fresh air.

May 1, 2018 - My Update!

Update! I broke through in November. Managed to finish by Christmas. Sent to betas. They loved. Edited. Sent to my editor by April, 2018. Now waiting on her thoughts...Feeling better. Put weight back on (too much). Working through all my muddy gunk and on the healing road.

Summer 2018 -

The book is in the final galley process of publication. Release in early 2019!

Always with love,

Jean

Two songs that help me get up each day and empower me with the ability to change impossible to possible:

Gym Class Heroes “The Fighter”

Andra Day’s “Rise Up”